Choices
by SidK
Summary: In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. - Eleanor Roosevelt. Extension to 'Lets Talk' but can be wholly read on it's own. Post Watershed. Ignores all season 6 spoilers.


They lay there in content silence. Happy to just be. To just exist as one, a couple, no arguments and no worries to bother them for the night. Things are OK , slow but OK and OK was good. He could deal with OK, an OK that was good was what he wanted but he wanted more. He knew that but more would take time.

Castle wrapped himself tightly around her as if, if he were to let go she'd disappear. That if he let go, moved away she'd leave and never come back. Everything would change and there would be no returning. He needed time, they needed time. Time to talk, to think and to just be. Kate held on to him just as hard, squeezing to the point of hurt on his forearm.

The past week had been hell. She had told the boys about the job offer and even though they had offered their congratulations and praise on her success, she could see the saddened look on their faces.

She was, to a point, their sister, their friend and they had known each other for a fair amount of time now; not only as colleagues but also as friends. They had each other's back both professionally and personally.

It had all escalated from there. Being forced to work with those she could leave made her feel an unexplainable grief. Tiptoeing around her own friends to avoid revealing too much considering they worked side by side, like metallic links, strong yet fiercely breakable.

The looks from Gates were not helping in easing the tension. Pride, it blossomed from her every expression. Every side-glance and every subtle peek - or what she thought was subtle. It was irrational to feel hate towards her captain, she didn't really hate her but right now, with all the side long glances and those distinct hidden smiles she hated her. It was irrational and it was fuelled.

It wasn't just the looks, it was the expectations, the weight of a decision. The potential of what she [Gates] could have been reflecting back at her and she hated that, she didn't want to be someone's mirror to a past long gone, a past of could have beens and should have beens, a past of missed opportunities and regrets. She wanted to just be, to work and not have to think of any of this, to do her job and go home to Castle. Curl up on the couch; watch some sappy evening show - if she was lucky enough to get off so early - and maybe fall asleep in his arms.

None of it was helping, not the tiptoeing, not the looks and definitely not the working whilst her life felt like it was crumbling down around her. And what made it all worse was that Castle had chosen to give her space at work, figure things out; only coming to give coffee during her break and catch up with the guys, leaving 15 or 20 minutes later. There was no reason for him to be there either, there was no case that would interest him and she was doing paperwork most of the time. But she wanted him to stay, for support and if not that then just to be a friendly face.

She didn't need thinking space, she knew what she wanted, she always knew. She knew from when Stake asked her what she wanted. The answer was just hidden, hidden in a dark craves in the dark of her mind. A dark space she couldn't accesses because there was a barricade, tall and strong reinforced by people like Gates and Stake and Vaughn. But there were cracks now, small peep holes with slivers of light. Light that bounces of the corners and made things clearer. She knows what she wants.

She knows this is hurting him just as much as it's hurting her and she hates that it all falls on her in the end. It's her choice that will dictate their futures. He had said no matter what choice she makes he will be there but that didn't make it any easier. She doesn't want his 'I'll be there's' or is 'I'll support your choice', she wants him to yell and shout, she wants him to tell her what to do, she wants him to act like a child who's had their candy stolen.

She had already made her mind up before this had all blown far out of proportion the only problem was she still had certain doubts. Like, if she stayed then would her life stop or would it continue to progress, or if she rejected the job then would she be an NYPD Homicide Detective forever or would there be other opportunities. And what if she took the job, would she like it, would it fit into her life like a missing puzzle piece. Would the job offer her opportunities she never even knew existed, would there be closure at the end of that road or would it all collapse like a house of cards, pushed by the weakest winds.

She worried, afraid and there was only one person who could ease these worries even if it felt like they weren't getting anywhere.

But he's busy being 'grown up' and giving her space, space she didn't want. She wanted that nine year old and a sugar rush because grown up Castle was hard to deal with. He's quiet and reserved, distant and all she wanted was his off the top theories of the CIA and FBI, his non-stop chatter of things that didn't matter, his overactive imagination that would have her rolling her eyes and smiling simultaneously.

He was there for her, for five years he had stuck by her, followed her into trouble and waited when she needed him to. He trusted her and she him. But was all this enough. There was always that little nagging voice in the back of her head that chanted it's doubt, _'he knows you but do you know him?'_

Of course she knows him. He's open with her. He told her things that even his ex wives didn't know. She's known him for four years, four years he's let her into his world, his home and his family. He's opened up about Alexis, asked her for advice, sought her out when things weren't right between them. He's shared his likes and dislikes, his insecurities and dreams. Not four years, its rounding to five. And she's still learning things about him, so yeah she does know him and those voices and doubts can go to hell.

She's scared and he knows it. He can see it in her eyes when she walks out the door every morning. It's in her smile that doesn't quit reach her eyes but shows she's trying. Trying for what? Trying to make things normal, to turn things around, make them as they were before everything blew up in their faces.

She's afraid and he can feel it radiate off her in her touch, in her words. Sense it like it's something he can grab and tie down. And she doesn't know that he knows she's scared, afraid of the choice she will make, of what will happen after, to her, to them.

His mind wonders. He can't help but think of a nineteen year old Beckett. Hopes and dreams shattered one cold January night. So young, innocence destroyed at the hand of evil. And he can't help but think about how she coped, how she must have drowned in the sea of grief before submerging on dry land. How she must have survived when her life was turned upside down.

And it's all happening all over again. But it's different this time, she has him. Only if she would realise that; that he'll always be by her side, not matter what the choice, no matter the place or job he'll be there.

"I'm scared" Kate whispers into the darkness.

Castle shifts, lets her head fall to his shoulder and her hand make it way across his waist whilst his own rubbed soothing patterns on her upper arm, "Talk to me."

It's a simple request but so complex in its nature. A request that could lead to doors untouched flying open.

"Whatever choice I make I want you to be there by my side."

That said it all for him. She was committed, open to being with him and wouldn't let anything get between them.

"Always."


End file.
